One bloody murder (amusing)


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Imagine a quiet, warm winter evening. The moon is hardly ever seen, the crickets are softly chirring. Everything is calm and relaxed. No sounds, nothing to disturb your peaceful dreams, except for the lulling song of the rain More or less that was the atmosphere a few hours after I arrived at the village. But let me start from the very beginning. To the question Why did I go there?, I will answer because holidays were coming, which for me meant a guarantee for a sleepless weekend. So I took little luggage and caught the first bus to Kalugerovo. As soon as I arrived, my dog called Jana DArk ran to the door to bid me welcome. She was very happy to see me. Of course, this wasnt due to something special in my personality, or to some incredible skills of mine, but to the fact I was carrying all the bones I could find in the house [If you are frowning at the moment, wondering what has my dog to do with the story, dont be overhasty. She also participates in the further actions] But the dog had to deserve the bones, not to be given them just like that. So, I looked around to find something suitable for the goal. After a short while (and after my blue jeans had become black from the dogs paws) I found just the right thing three or four sparrows, eating from the animals portions. I pointed at that direction and said: Shhhhhht, which in normal English probably can be translated as Shoo!, but for bad fortune no one from our village understands English (That concerns the sparrows and the other birds, as well.) The result was Jana, running as fast as she could at that direction, barking. The sparrows were scared, of course, but not from her barking, but from the sound I produced. However, the try of the dog was praiseworthy itself, so I gave her the bones (besides, I was beginning to get bored.) I, as usual, tried to learn a lesson out of the situation, which sounded like that: Its curious what animals are ready to do only to get food. We humans, fortunately, dont have such problems which makes us more advanced as species But I couldnt finish my thought because my grandmother called me. After she said she was happy to see me, she asked me to take the laundry inside, for it was going to rain. I hesitated, because I just loathe taking the laundry. Then she promised me to bake my favourite dish: cheese-cake, which put an end of my hesitation Many things happened till the night came the goats came from graze, the animals were fed a few times (by me, because I liked feeding them more than it was necessary), the dog was made chase the sparrows over ten times (again by me, which leaded to more of my morals), and the eggs were gathered (guess who by), because I wanted to carry at least two dozens of eggs in town, I also caught the cock a few times to feed it, because it seemed too skinny to me, and many other things happened, too, but they will be described in another story (as soon as Im able to remember them). And so, the evening came. It was raining as my grandmother had said. You already know what the atmosphere around me was peaceful, quiet and relaxing. Before I went to bed, I said to myself: Man, you are going to get a well goodnight sleep!, which was the greatest deceit I have ever said to myself. As I was sleeping calmly in my bed, I was suddenly interrupted by an evil sound which seemed to come from the deepness of hell. I wouldve tried to describe it to you, if I didnt know its impossible. But it didnt come from hell, but from the throat of my home cock, as I understood later on. However, I didnt have this information then, so I got confused. The first time, I thought I was dreaming. I looked at the watch 6.00 and thought Even devils never get up in such ungodly early hour! and I turned to the other side. But a few seconds later the sound was repeated, this time accompanied by barking of a dog. The third time a chorus of frogs from the nearest river could be heard between the barking. Tell me, have you ever been to a concert? Yes? To a good concert with experienced musicians with well-designed instruments? It was nice, wasnt it? But imagine the same concert, played by children with broken or damaged instruments, with no synchrony. Now you have the slightest idea what it was like. As you well understand, my sleep was over, so I decided to find the source of the first sound (and provoker of the others) with the sincere intention to have my revenge, i.e. to destroy it. It doesnt matter if even the Devil itself had decided to sing in the night he was going to pay. So, here am I down on the stairs, with a jacket over my pyjamas and the lightest boots I managed to find in the dark, which appeared to be my grandfathers sandals. I find it useless to describe their aerodynamic shape youve probably seen such kind of boats. [There is no mistake in the word boats]. I will add only the silly hat of my grandfather a one with a wide periphery, like those heroes in westerns and, of course, my solid intention to kill which could be seen a few inches over the blue cycles under my eyes. After I overcame a few difficulties, mostly connected with finding the switch, I was in the patio. I opened the door and entered the closed area of the yard. I dont know whether it was due to an instinct of mine, lasted from thousands of years from our ancestors, or to a habit of mine, I bowed a little, bend my body and pricked up my ears. I then heard the familiar sound, but it was so close to me I had to close my ears. It came from the coop. In a few seconds my damaged mind could justify the situation, to analyze the facts and to give me the conclusion it was the cock I then remembered how it gaped at me after I fed it. I was able to see the odium in its eyes. And I figure everything out I had humiliated it in front of the hens and now he wanted revenge. I saw he was right, and was just going to return to my bed, when I suddenly remembered it was raining. I looked at my clothes hopelessly wet. There was no turning back. Right or wrong, I was going to have my revenge. But the coop was over six feet above the ground. I knew theres no way to climb up to the provoker, so I had to make him go down. And there was no other way to do that, but I took the stick. It was as long as my hand, i.e. a little more than two feet. I raised it above my head. Then a lightning crossed the sky and the thunder came a few seconds after. I felt as I was an actor in Jurassic Park. By that time, the cock had stopped squealing. But I knew it was only a trick. You feel your time is almost over, a! I whispered Well, you are absolutely right! Attention: The following events are not recommended to people with weak nerves, or to those who like animals! The sound of hit laminated iron spread in the area. I dont know just how many people heard it, but in my personal opinion, all the houses in the range of a mile were able to hear it. The chickens inside the cock were probably very astonished, because they had no time to prepare to jump they literally fell one after another on the ground. I suppose all the hens and cocks fell, except probably those who had a heart attack. Anyway, I succeeded in my wish to take the cock down. But the hardest part was coming how to recognize it between all the hens and turkeys. Here, Jana DArk appeared. She was probably waken from the noise (and Im not surprised there probably was nobody in the village who had left asleep after that) and she was ready to help. I remembered the trick with the sparrows and screamed: Shhhhhhhhht That was enough for her to start chasing all the chickens. How was I going to know figure out which one of the birds is the cock? Well, you see, when the dog chase a chicken, she bites it on the feather. In a result, the chicken produces a sound something like ouch, but in chicken language. Here, cocks differ from hens. Being aware of that, I started listening and very soon found what I needed. But that was not the end it was hardly the beginning. I had to catch it first. Here even the dog didnt help me, because as she understood from my gestures, I had no intention to give her food. So, Jana left me to cope with my problem single handed Here, the words are not capable to express what exactly happened. The language stops to see what that crazy creature is doing. The words are staring at me unable to express my complexed experiences. When they come conscious, they begin to understand the situation and describe my pathetic remains, but they are interpreting all my memories as they are now happening, so they change the tense: I am leaning on the three, watching closely the cock, ready to spring upon him, catch him and do very brutal things after that. My appearance more than miserable. The dirt is all over my clothes: my pyjamas are no longer white on blue lines, but grey on black spots, all that is left from the sandals are the soles with the main belt they look more like flip-flops, but without the flip. Suddenly movement! The thing Ive waited for several minutes. The cock quickly makes a decoy, turning to the left. Success! I got him just where I wanted him. I approach. He is surrounded by walls. The only exit is covered by my figure, holding an instrument of destruction a long stick. The last few seconds of his life belong to me. I can do whatever I want. But Im not that kind of person, I prefer the instant death, after all, he didnt realize what he was doing. But he certainly doesnt appreciate my benevolence he may be cornered, but he is not dead yet. He has a final wish to live. And he intends to fulfill this wish by himself. Im raising my hand with the stick. A hit. The stick breaks into the stone. The cock is now in the pig-sty. But there the pig is already woken by my midnight ballade. I cant see a thing in the dark. But I can hear everything the scream, the hit and the closing of the pigs jaws. End. Silence. Darkness And suddenly light. My tortured mind is trying to explain it. Aliens? Heaven? Hell? Day? No, its just an ordinary lamp. My grandmother, woken from the hubbub, has pressed a hidden switch, to which the lamp over my head is connected. I can now see the result of the wrestle feathers all over the sty and not even a cue of the cock. Unfortunately, the words cannot find any other memories for that specific event. (And no wonder Ive tried so hard to forget it.) But I can. Actually, theres nothing much to be told I tried to explain to my grandmother the unexplainable, and of course, I couldnt. But she understood. And the cock? I saw it the other day with no feathers on the tail. Im sure he learned a moral, as well as I did. I decided to leave the revenge to the western heroes And never to let my instincts take the control over me